Some doors were closed, not because it wasn’t meant to be but because it didn’t do any good! She understood that closing what doesn’t serve you is way of life. Things come and go, so does people. You can choose to learn and let it go or to hold on, hold on to something that’s edgy, rough and is going to hurt you, sooner rather than later. So why hold on a sword from its blade and hurt yourself? Hold it right and you will be a warrior darling, and she became one!
The sad truth is that certain types of things cannot go backwards. Once they start going forward, no matter what you do, they can’t go back the way they were. If even one little thing goes awry, then that’s how it will stay forever.
Because once certain thing is done, there is no way to undo it. Not because no one wants to do it again, but because it’s annihilated!
Ever had a dream so good, you had trouble waking up, or maybe felt so real that you had trouble differentiating it from reality? What if the reality is nothing but a mere dream? What if death too is some sort of dream? What if life is nothing but coma?
Do we really exist? Or our existence itself is some sort of dream! What if some day out cries echo from the epochs and we then realize that the whole life we lived, the smiles we smiled, the cries we cried were basically nothing! It actually didn’t existed! Maybe our whole existence is someone else’s dream, and we’re some projections of their dream!
The whole concept of reality seems faint and the idea we have about it is just our thought! Time, it is a cosmic calamity, and our reality might differ in front of this complex thing called time! For time is different everywhere, it deceives us and make us believe into things that doesn’t exist even! Time might make our existence a faint concept, and our reality might be some lost cause then! So will be our existence!
Ever thought of all this!? It scares me to think about it…
Every trip comes with some new adventures, new experiences & new discoveries, I would say self discovery. I travel & I know myself better. It liberates my soul, by giving a meaning to my existence.
Along the unknown roads I discovered unknown parts of me. Parts I never knew existed. In the unknown faces I discovered some weirdly soothing feeling. Every face has a story to tell if you observe it deeply. Each place has it’s own feel, if you can feel that you’ll never stop wandering.
Wandering always had this unknown charm on me. The word itself triggers so many emotions in me. While wandering the unknown places I came across an obscure person in me. Getting stable in one place was never my thing. I cannot stay at one place for more time. Stability never fascinated me & wandering always seemed intriguing! I never imagined that travelling will have such effect on me.
Now when I’m just a few hours away from another trip, from another new self discoveries I’m wondering what this trip will bring me. I’m all set to explore a new place & myself. I’m sure the place will not be the only thing I’ll be exploring.
I feel like writing many things but I’ll do it while travelling. Travelling will make the statements complete in actual sense!
Adios for now to all the wanderers’ soul!!
If everything has always been like this,
Tormented, dark and full of perils.
I have memories..
In the marrow of my bones,
Seeping out, staining my skin.
I’m on the edge..
Where there is this life I want,
And then there is just insanity.
I see demons..
Not hiding under my bed
Or scratching the window,
But crawling and laughing in my head.
Coz the darkness clutches my soul,
Whispering sinister sayings into my ears.
I feel tormented..
The ache is always here,
Falling in line with drumming in my chest..
These scars, my badge;
These bruises, my war paint..
But it doesn’t hurt anymore
She wakes up, earlier than usual, feeling groggy and kinda lost. She’s sitting there on the bed for a while now, not making an effort to make sense of time or day even. She’s still feeling lost, like she woke up from some long sleep and don’t remember the day or date. She feels she might get late for work so she tries to see the watch hanging by her bed, it’s six in the morning so she cannot be late. She sits there for some more time, maybe an hour, without thinking anything or feeling anything but lost. Now she is kinda tired of feeling this emptiness so she takes her cell phone to change the alarm as she feels the need of sleeping for a bit longer, and she realizes it’s Sunday morning. She doesn’t know what to feel, happy or sad. She sleeps back, and slept through the day. Wakes up in between but felt useless to wake up so she slept again.
After sleeping for almost whole day she wakes up in the evening feeling same. Early morning she was under the impression that this weird feeling will leave her when she will wake up again, but well she was wrong.
She felt empty; the emptiness returned her after some specific period. She’s good for a while; she’ll talk more, laugh more, will be more cheerful than usual and will be totally alive. But then something happens, like a switch turns off somewhere and all she’s left with is darkness of her mind. But each time it seems like she sinks deeper and deeper, and she is scared… terrified that one day she won’t make it back up; she feels like she is gasping for air, screaming for help but everyone just looks at her, with confused faces. Wondering what she is struggling over so much when they’re all doing just fine. And it makes her feel insane, she feels like she is losing her sanity day by day, minute by minute. She feels like the mask of her sanity is falling off, like she won’t be able to pull it off any longer.
On the days like this when she doesn’t have anything pressingly urgent that requires her attention she ends up feeling weird things; things that she is able to avoid habitually in her busy and occupied routine. Looking around herself makes her feel even more worse, because she has people around her who looks up to her, she cannot help but sit in a dark corner with a book in her hand and thousands of question in her mind. She feels sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way she can’t stop, sadness for her is familiar. It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to her. But everything else about it is hard, the way her body aches with self-hatred, the way her mind spins with hopeless thoughts, the way it poisons everything she does, every effort she makes, every relationship she has, yet it’s addicting. Maybe because she knows it very well; and there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away for a while. She feels like that’s where she belongs, that’s how it is supposed to be.
For her nothing is permanent, no relation, no emotion nothing but the weird longing she feels in her soul for something very raw yet totally unknown. She has this longing since forever, since she knew emotions and feelings she found herself craving for something that cease to exist. That made her go insane, the hole keeps getting bigger and it might just swallow her existence someday. The thing with her is nothing is enough for her; no one is enough for her. For a while things and people will satisfy her or she might feel her situations are improving but actually it’s not. It’s just her illusion; she keeps on repeating the same damn thing, again and again, expecting shit to change.
And I guess that’s what is called insanity!!
She doesn’t belong to anyone.. She’s a tornado, a mess to be precise.She has always been a mess, a devastatingly beautiful mess that no one could ever understand. Her ways were esoteric, something that was not accepted by society.
She dreamt about stuff that was tough to imagine, she dreamt of some another world. Because she belonged to some another world maybe.
She was not just some gal, her ways, her dreams, but most of all her soul made her what she became. Her soul was never at peace, it was always on fire, burning like some mad thing and with that fire she burnt bright. What made her bright was not her beauty, but the fire that kept burning inside her. She always used to say that something’s burning inside her, it never let her rest, sometimes it made hard for her to even breath.
Her relations were always at stake, not because she doesn’t feel anything but because she felt too much. She never understood any relations, not even the most basic ones. For her things were not always just black and white, most of the things for her was in grey shade. She had darkness inside her, too much of it. The darkness tormented her, made her devastatingly beautiful in some esoteric ways that nobody can fathom. For her monsters and demons were not something that wriggled under her bed, they never clattered in her closet, they didn’t scratched at windows or captured her feet in the night.. They were always too busy screaming underneath her skin, and that was exactly how she want it to be!! Her demons were wrapped so beautifully in her skin!! She made her blisters look beautiful in some of the most obscure ways.
She was a wanderer, she never settled down, her soul never did actually!! She couldn’t settle for anything or anyone. She craved for things that she didn’t understand.. The things she craved, those very things broke her, it tormented her. She had a furor of passion, that very passion killed her gradually. She was scared how her heart longed for things that plagued her very being.
She’s a women that belonged to nothingness, but still they tried to tame that wild being!!