Millennial Moment

The way she clutches her hand,

The way her leg keeps making certain movements,

The way she keeps ticking her fingernail on her table, 

The way her toe keeps doing that rhythmic motion,

The way her mind keeps working, 

The way sweat tickles her spine, 

The way her heartbeats makes deafening noise,

The way a thousand pins prickled her head,

The way she breathes profoundly, 

The way her teeth clenches to the extent it starts screeching,

The way she feel shapes forming up in darkness,

The way her demons come to look her in the eye and say ‘hello’,

The way she feels cold to her bones,

The way she trembles and her bones hurt mournfully,

The way she keeps tracing the same circle again and again and again…The way she starts her life from the scratch every few months,

That’s exactly how anxiety feels like! 


Inherent Sentiment 

If I’m to ask you a question that what might be the most natural feeling for you what would come to your mind? 

Happiness. Oh being happy is the most natural thing. I felt that all my life, but let me tell you, it isn’t that natural. When everything is just picture perfect, good friends, loving spouse, good job, and still you feel something stinging inside. It’s definitely not what happiness feels like.

Love. Yes, I felt that too! But do you feel loved when you’re falling apart? No I guess, you’re falling apart because love is the only thing you’re not feeling. 

Peace maybe? Being peaceful is tough nut to crack. After working for whole day long, maybe you’re peaceful, but then you feel that lump in your throat, when you see you’re not appreciated for what you’re doing! Is that peace? No. 

All this is just one thing. It’s pain.


Yes Pain comes off most naturally I guess. It’s most adaptable feeling isn’t it? 

A friend just got braces (for teeth obviously), I asked how’s the Pain. She said I got used to with it, for a while I thought she got used to with her braces but no, she got used to with the Pain those braces give. 

Do you remember that time when you were sitting on the floor weeping? That Pain. It’s still there, but now you’re used to with that Pain. So it’s easy to deal with! 

That moment when you lose your loved one forever! That feeling, like you cannot imagine your life without them. But then gradually you adapt that Pain! So get used to with those silent tears during darker nights. You get used to with that Pain. 

It’s strange how we believe all our lives that peace, happiness, love comes naturally, and we are adaptable to it! But no, we are adaptable to Pain the most. Maybe survival instinct it is, like a friend said! But it’s in our nature, to bear Pain and get used to with it! 

Still we feel ashamed to show we’re in Pain. Maybe that’s why we say it’s not natural, because we are ashamed of it maybe! 

Well let me tell you, it’s most natural thing you can feel, and it’s really okay to be in Pain. Don’t hide it, don’t go into that shell, just bleed. 

Bleed publicly. 

Because you are not alone in it. Everybody is more or less broken and in pain. So just hang in there, it’ll be alright. No it won’t go away, it’s not a fairytale! But you will get used to with that PAIN…

A year passed…

A year passed and…
We didn’t utter a word to each other!
We didn’t talk! I didn’t share those laughters and lot of silent tears, neither did you!
We were unknown, unknown of all those wonderful and painful moments!
We were not aware about each other’s lives, not even a bit.
We ignored those memories – when we shared the same room, and spend the whole time together!
We didn’t wear each other’s clothes lol 😄
A year passed by and we are still the same! Sisters, besties, bitches, roomies and friends for life.
I regret not seeing you but I know a year of silence cannot affect our bond even a single bit.
Something that’s purely dedicated to you and you only! Though you’re going to leave soon but do remember I’m just a call away… I’ll miss all those fun and crazy moments but it will all happen again I’m sure 😊

Perennial Insanity


She wakes up, earlier than usual, feeling groggy and kinda lost. She’s sitting there on the bed for a while now, not making an effort to make sense of time or day even. She’s still feeling lost, like she woke up from some long sleep and don’t remember the day or date. She feels she might get late for work so she tries to see the watch hanging by her bed, it’s six in the morning so she cannot be late. She sits there for some more time, maybe an hour, without thinking anything or feeling anything but lost. Now she is kinda tired of feeling this emptiness so she takes her cell phone to change the alarm as she feels the need of sleeping for a bit longer, and she realizes it’s Sunday morning. She doesn’t know what to feel, happy or sad. She sleeps back, and slept through the day. Wakes up in between but felt useless to wake up so she slept again.
After sleeping for almost whole day she wakes up in the evening feeling same. Early morning she was under the impression that this weird feeling will leave her when she will wake up again, but well she was wrong.
She felt empty; the emptiness returned her after some specific period. She’s good for a while; she’ll talk more, laugh more, will be more cheerful than usual and will be totally alive. But then something happens, like a switch turns off somewhere and all she’s left with is darkness of her mind. But each time it seems like she sinks deeper and deeper, and she is scared… terrified that one day she won’t make it back up; she feels like she is gasping for air, screaming for help but everyone just looks at her, with confused faces. Wondering what she is struggling over so much when they’re all doing just fine. And it makes her feel insane, she feels like she is losing her sanity day by day, minute by minute. She feels like the mask of her sanity is falling off, like she won’t be able to pull it off any longer.
On the days like this when she doesn’t have anything pressingly urgent that requires her attention she ends up feeling weird things; things that she is able to avoid habitually in her busy and occupied routine. Looking around herself makes her feel even more worse, because she has people around her who looks up to her, she cannot help but sit in a dark corner with a book in her hand and thousands of question in her mind. She feels sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way she can’t stop, sadness for her is familiar. It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to her. But everything else about it is hard, the way her body aches with self-hatred, the way her mind spins with hopeless thoughts, the way it poisons everything she does, every effort she makes, every relationship she has, yet it’s addicting. Maybe because she knows it very well; and there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away for a while. She feels like that’s where she belongs, that’s how it is supposed to be.
For her nothing is permanent, no relation, no emotion nothing but the weird longing she feels in her soul for something very raw yet totally unknown. She has this longing since forever, since she knew emotions and feelings she found herself craving for something that cease to exist. That made her go insane, the hole keeps getting bigger and it might just swallow her existence someday. The thing with her is nothing is enough for her; no one is enough for her. For a while things and people will satisfy her or she might feel her situations are improving but actually it’s not. It’s just her illusion; she keeps on repeating the same damn thing, again and again, expecting shit to change.
And I guess that’s what is called insanity!!IMG-20160103-WA0002